


Returning Home

by AnonymousDream



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-01 01:07:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15131726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousDream/pseuds/AnonymousDream
Summary: Ernst was away studying and he had hoped that Hanschen had maybe forgotten him, as he had never responded to his letters, but when his mother died, Ernst returned home, and Hanschen hadn't stopped thinking about him.





	1. Chapter One

It was when I saw the chiseled jawline and the light blonde hair in the distance that I got nervous.   
When I saw a man I’d known decades ago playing with a child near the stream. She looked so much like him, and I am sure she looked like her mother too, but that is not what I thought at the time. He wore dark brown pants and suspenders over his light colored shirt, which was long sleeved to combat the chill air.   
I clenched my teeth together and tried to swallow the sorrow and joy that I felt. I had just gotten off the train from England, I had come to visit my mother, who had fallen ill.   
I walked past him slowly, hoping he would see me, but when he said my name in his crooning voice I wished he hadn’t.  
“Ernst?” I heard him say, “Ernst Robel?” He left his child by the stream and jogged up behind me. I turned and smiled, acting like I was not as excited as I was.  
“Hanschen.” I smiled as he pulled me into a hug, his kid was running over to see what was going on.  
“How have you been my friend?” I thought him saying friend was, well, ironic.  
“I have been well. I was in England for a long time.”  
“Did you follow your plans to become a pastor?” He laughed.  
“Oh, you remember that?” I laughed, feeling myself blush.  
“Of course.” He whispered, I smiled and looked at the ground.  
“But no, I did not, not yet. I actually am studying theology, at Oxford University in England.”  
“Amazing.” He said, sincerely, smiling.  
“I wrote you Hans.” I hissed, “You never replied.”  
“Well… um… I….” He mumbled, stepping back  
“Eight years Hanschen. I was gone at University for eight years and I wrote you letters.”  
“I know, Ernst, I kept them all.”  
“But you didn’t respond.”  
“I was married, my wife with child, I could not…”  
“Hans.”  
“Let me make it up to you my friend, this is my daughter Joanna, she is four, come to my house for dinner tonight once you are settled, Anna would be glad to see you I am sure.”  
“Anna.” I stuttered, “You and Anna?”  
“Yes.” He smiled, “She is a school teacher, and I inherited my father's business.”  
“Nice.”  
“And you?”  
“Me?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Oh, again, I have been at university in England. I’m not married or anything.”  
“Well… You know…” he muttered, “I hate to say it, but I am curious, what have you been doing all this time in England, in the big cities there, if you still haven’t found somebody, pardon, but you know what I mean. A university student, with all his degrees,” he winked, “How could there not be a lucky lady there willing to fall for you?”  
“I wasn’t looking.”  
“Ahh… you always were a good kid, wouldn’t want to be distracted from your studies I guess.”  
“No Hanschen, I wasn’t looking for a wife. I didn’t want, I don’t want one. I…”  
“Oh. Yes. Yes.” He muttered, realizing, as I had, that this was not the time or place for our conversation.


	2. Chapter 2

Anna was putting Joanna to sleep and Hanschen asked if I would be interested in a walk, to see how the town had changed in my time away. We walked out through the new buildings, past the little church, past the fields. I was following aimlessly as he told me of all he had done in the time I was gone, then I realized where we were going. We turned onto a thin road and walked into the vineyard. I smiled and looked at him as he walked over and sat on a downed tree.  
“I missed you, you know.” He said smiling as I sat beside him.  
“I did not know, I wrote you and… I missed you too.” He reached over and took my hand, “Oh why didn’t you respond to me Hans?”  
“Truthfully?”  
“Yes.”  
“I did not want to think about how you were not with me. I did keep them, I never read them, for fear that they would make me too sad. I am so sorry. I could not bring myself to.”  
“You were not ashamed of me were you? You don’t regret me do you?”  
“No… oh god no.” He squeezed my hand, “I could never Ernst.”  
“I loved you Hanschen.” I pull my hand away from his, “But now…” I paused, looking away, “You were everything to me, but now I am just your friend, I am just a person to you, just that little thing from a few years back.”  
“No! Ernst you were always…”  
“You stayed behind Hanschen. We talked about going to England together, going to America together, but you stayed here, and you go married and you had a daughter, and I am happy for you, but… but I am forgotten.”  
“Ernst… I wanted to, you know I did, but my father was ill, I had to care for my mother, I had to stay. I run his business now, and…”  
“You were the one that told me to skim off the cream of life! To let the system work for me,” I laughed, feeling sad, “you were the one that made me realize that I meant something to somebody out there Hanschen… you. You have always been the only person that I…” I was getting choked up, “That I loved.”   
“Ernst please do not think that I forgot you, that I ever thought of you as a person of the past, I thought about you always.”  
“Tell me one thing Hanschen.”  
“Anything.”  
“Tell me that you love me, or loved me. You never once said that to me.”  
“Ernst.” He scooted closer to me.  
“Say it.” I clenched my jaw, “Please, just, tell me that I didn’t dream of this moment for the past eight years… for nothing.”  
“Ernst.” He said my name slowly that time, “I…” I didn’t bother letting him finish.  
“I should have known.” I stood up and started to walk away, pushing away his hand on my shoulder as he tried to stop me, “I never meant anything to you, perhaps I was just another toy of yours, something to fondle in your spare time, more realistic than a photograph I guess.” I hissed.  
“Ernst, wait.” I heard him stand behind me, “This is not how I imagined this conversation to go.”  
“Would you like to know the truth?” I turned to face him, “Nor did I Hanschen, but I should have expected this.” He stepped closer to me, “You changed me forever Hanschen, but I never meant anything to you.” he came a little closer yet.  
“No Ernst.” he stepped close to me and kissed me softly, a kiss I had longed for since I had left. He leaned back and looked at me, “I love you Ernst. I loved you then as I love you now.”  
“Why was that so hard for you to say?”  
“My love for anyone, even you, allowing myself to feel, always made me feel weak. Admitting to someone that I love them as much as I love you Ernst…” he pulled me close to him and hugged me tightly. A hug that was more intimate than any kiss we had ever shared. I was sad and angry, but he was sorry. I let him hold me close to his chest, my arms around his neck. His heartbeat rang against my ear, I felt him bury his face in my hair, he inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly.  
“I missed you so much Ernst.” He mumbled softly into my ear, “I hope you believe that. This is the most sincerely I have ever spoken to anyone. I longed for you this time you were gone.”  
“And I you Hanschen.” My head was against his shoulder and I lifted it a little to whisper to him. And we stayed like that for what could have been an instant, or could have been infinities. He still smelled the same, and being here with him reminded me of my youth.  
“You… you feel the same as you did...” He sounded nervous for once, as he released me from the hug, I stepped back from him and took both of his hands, “I love you” he said again, “I love you, I love you so much Ernst. I am so sorry that I ever made you think that I did not. I am sorry.” He rocked my hands and pulled me close to him, kissing me again.  
“I love you Hanschen.” I mumbled mid-kiss.  
“And so you should.” he laughed as he pulled away, then stepped back in and kissed me more fiercely, holding my face in his hands as I did the same to him.   
We pulled apart slowly and longingly and I sat on the soft grass, the flowers just beginning to bloom. I offered him my hand and he sat beside me, putting his arm over my shoulder and pulling me into a hug. I put my leg over his and leaned into his embrace.  
“I should have gone with you.” He whispered sadly.  
“Really?”  
“Yes.” He sighed, “I think now of how much I expected you to stay here, or to return sooner than you did. I thought, I don’t know, you were mine I guess.”  
“What do you mean?” I leaned back and looked at him, a perfect moment, fucked up that easily.  
“I thought that I was the only person that could ever have you, that I had you. You were mine Ernst, I felt protective of you, possessive of you, and I know that that was because of the love I felt, but I thought you could not go on without me.”  
“Um. I am yours. Which is torturous Hans. I have always had a spot in my heart only for you. I love you now still more than I ever could love another person. I can’t go on without you… But…” I sighed. I wasn’t sure if he thought it was because I was angry or because I was sad.   
“What’s the matter?”  
“Given that you clearly have a life, I need one of my own. I need to not love you, to not need you as much as I do. Because, simply put, you are not mine. I am entirely yours, but only a small piece of you is mine, I am nothing compared to all that you have now, and you know this to be true. All these eight years, I imagined us meeting like this, you loving me like you once did. I imagined that you would happen to be here, and that you would be able to come away with me, and now, I know that I was a fool for wanting that.” He looked at me wide eyed and broken-looking, still holding me close. He clenched his jaw and rested his forehead against mine.  
“Ernst. I will visit you all that I can wherever you may go. I will write to you, just so that you write to me and I know your address, I will always be here when you return or visit, and I will always…”  
“Hanschen, I cannot. I know that you are aware of how much I would like to, but I cannot…”  
“So what? You want us both to forget about the other? Do you want us to pretend that we never felt anything at all? Like we have been trying to do? I thought you didn’t want that.”  
“I don’t know.” I hissed sadly, “It seemed like that is what you tried to do… so why not?”  
“Ernst… not again.”  
“Then I don’t know. But it can’t hurt me this much when we say goodbye…”  
“Then lets not say goodbye just yet…” He leaned in close and muttered into my ear. “Ernst…” he whispered desperately. He kissed my jaw right beside my ear, then carried the kisses down my neck and to my shoulder. His hands came to my torso and firmly pulled me close. He looked up for a moment to see if I was content, and I smiled. He kissed me forcefully on the lips, then he sat up on his knees. He grabbed my legs and slid me gently onto my back. I could not protest.  
He climbed on top of me and kissed me again, on all fours above me. He kissed my neck and caressed my back, then slowly reached for the buttons of my shirt. I offered to undo them for him, as he unbuttoned his own. He sat up, sitting on me now, his legs on either side of my hips, our fingers working to remove our shirts quickly.  
I leaned my head back in pleasure as he kissed down my bare chest, and then onto my stomach, and then lower. He slipped his fingers under the waistline of my trousers and looked up at me.  
“Yes?” He asked, almost as if he actually wanted my permission. I nodded slowly.  
“Yes.” I managed to whisper.


	3. Chapter 3

We lay there in the vineyard, in the dark, our bodies intertwined. I was facing him, almost on top of him, with my head against his bare chest, our legs alternated, my right leg wrapped tightly around his left, and I held him. And he held me.   
We had fallen asleep, and when my eyes finally opened and the grogginess subsided, I saw nothing. the pale light of the evening and faded, and it was pitch dark. I reached a single hand up to his face.  
“Hanschen.” I said, touching his cheek. His eyes opened a little, and fluttered, “Hanschen, wake up, it is nighttime.”  
“What?” He looked around, not able to see anything.  
“It is nighttime. We should go home. Anna and your daughter, and my family, they might worry.”  
“I think that they’ll be fine. I would personally much rather lay here all night.” He laughed, pulling me closer to him. I felt his breath in my hair and I smelled his sweat. Despite the cold air we were warm, the wet grass on which we lay was comforting and soft, and his arms around me made me feel like I was home.  
“Me too.” I said quietly, “I could stay here forever.” I felt him inhale deeply, and sigh.   
“Then lets. At least for a little while.” He laughed sadly. I felt him turn his head and bury his face into my hair again, inhaling deeply again. “You smell different Ernst.”  
“I do?” I muttered, groggy, and surprised.  
“Maybe the London air, all that city smoke caking onto you. I don’t dislike it though, it’s just new.”  
“Well you smell the same.”  
“Do I?” he sounded inquisitive.   
“Yes. Maybe it's the fresh breeze and the cornfields and the vineyard, never failing to leave their marks on people.” I felt him smile, “You are thinner than you were eight years ago though.” I ran my hand along his bare stomach, feeling the ribs that were now more visible than they ever had been. I felt his skin turn tense at my touch, his muscles flexed.  
“I am?” He laughed, “I guess some long days at work, and Anna’s, what shall we call it, cooking… really help.” I smiled a little, but then felt sad about how different our lives had become.   
“I…” I sat up and leaned on my arm, immediately feeling the cool breeze blow the bare skin under my opened shirt.  
“Yes?”  
“I was wondering… I don’t have to return to school for a while now, we are on recess, but I am only planning to be here for my mother’s funeral and then return home. Is there a way we can, in good conscious, spend more time together?” He smiled and sat up beside me, seeing me shiver, he put his arm around me.  
“Ernst, it would be a delight to have you stay. Anna would not mind I am sure, and perhaps we could take a short trip somewhere, either just the two of us, or you could join my family on one of our small vacations.” He smiled.  
“That would be fantastic, Anna would not mind?”  
“Not at all, she would be delighted in fact.”  
“Do you love her?” I asked, without thinking, still tired and unsure of the time, and less sure of what I was saying.  
“Pardon?”  
“Shit, thats… I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.” I stammered, “But I was just wondering, I guess.”  
“Well, yes, I do. In a familiar, wife-husband, with child kind of way, I guess.” He said kindly, then looked at me, “Listen, don’t think that just because I am married to her, and have a child with her, that I do not feel something for you Ernst… you left, and I could not chase after you, and everyone else was marrying and…”  
“I am not offended Hanschen. You were always more… more likely than me…” I didn’t know what I was trying to say, I closed my eyes and turned my face to the ground, “You were always better with relationships and socializing than I was, shall we say.”  
“Oh… well... thank you?” He said awkwardly, “I could see you with a small family and a petite wife, and a nice house by the city.” I smiled, then laughed a little.  
“What I was saying before, about that… well…” I had never spoken to anyone about my lack of interest in relationships, other than one with Hanschen, I had no physical desire to be with anyone other than him, even the boys who were similar at university, “I don’t really think that that would be the lifestyle for me, I suppose. I don’t really want a wife, or children, or anything like that… I don’t feel the need.”  
“I understand Ernst, women are not…”  
“Its not that either Hanschen. You’re the only person I have ever felt anything for, physically, I mean. I could possibly be romantic with someone, but the concept of sexual relationships, and children does not appeal to me, I tried. I am far better off with my books and my research than with anything… like that.”  
“Oh.” He shifted his arm, and suddenly I sensed I had said something wrong. I had told him too much, things that he didn’t want to know about me. I pulled away from him, but as I did I felt his hand on my shoulder, holding me back toward him.  
“I’m sorry.” I said, “I am too tired, I spoke too much about…”  
“Ernst. You can tell me all you wish. I will listen. I won’t think of you any differently than I do know and I certainly won’t love you less.” I smiled, feeling as if I was going to cry, and turned back toward him.  
“Alright. Thank you Hanschen. I love you, and it brings me peace to know how safe I am with you, truely. And we should get off of this cold damp ground and back to your house for the sake of our health.”


End file.
